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Tuesday, January 26, 2016

"I thought I was past this!"

So you’re on your spiritual journey. You’ve allowed those negative patterns of thought and behavior to surface so you can learn from them, and you’ve finally moved beyond them. You’ve reached this whole new level. You can see clearly now. You understand the big picture. And then like clockwork, your negative patterns start showing up again. At first you’re like, “okay I got this. I know who I am; I know what I’m doing. I don’t have to give into these negative thoughts and behaviors I so easily gave into before.” But before you know it, you’re a confused muddled mess of a person, being swept away by the thoughts and behaviors of your former self.

Why does this happen? Why is it that once you’ve reached that higher level, you’re suddenly faced with the same issues you were sure you’d moved past?

That’s the question I’ve come to recently. I reached a state of awareness that was so beyond anything I'd reached thus far in my journey and it felt so natural and flowed so easily that I felt as if I had made it, I guess you could say. I’ve been to this place a few times now where I feel like I’ve made it. Each time I arrive here, it’s like a new and higher level than before. When this has happened, I’ve felt tapped into the big picture of everything and I’ve understood completely how and why each thing was occurring. Even when something would pop up from my old way of thinking I would still be detached enough from it and aware of the big picture enough that I would be able to interact and act out the proper reactions to whatever was happening without truly being swept away by those reactions. It really was almost as if I was acting out my life in a sense, just to play into the story of life while being aware the entire time that I was interacting with parts of myself who didn't remember they were God.

 And then each time as more and more old patterns of negativity started to surface, I realized that these were lessons I still hadn't integrated fully. So I allowed myself to give into them a bit in order to fully learn the lessons. Then before I knew it I would be swept away by the emotions of whatever situation was happening and I’d keep finding myself falling back into little bouts of depression, fear and anger. During these experiences I am still aware of the big picture at least on some level, but to a certain extent the experience keeps overriding my big picture understanding. I think this is because I start feeling like I’ve failed in some way. I start feeling like these old patterns shouldn’t be showing up still if I’ve really reached the level I feel like I’ve reached. But luckily I’m still aware that nothing happens unless it should, and that these things are showing up exactly as they should and they’re showing up for a purpose.

I’ve come to start thinking of this spiritual process as a spiral. It almost feels like a circle: you seem to go around and around, always reaching the same place over and over where these lessons reoccur as if you hadn’t learned from them before. BUT if you think of it as a spiral, you’re still going around and around, still reaching the same lessons as before, only each time you reach the lessons you are now further out (or higher up) in the spiral. You’re learning those lessons from a totally new and higher perspective.
So this would explain why it is that once you’ve reached a higher level of understanding, all your old ways of thinking and patterns of behavior start to resurface. This could come in the form of an old friend that really triggered this or that reaction in you, or it could come in the form of money troubles… whatever form these lessons take is unique to your experience. These are lessons that you came here to learn from. These are things that you planned out for yourself to aid in your growth, and to help you in the process of knowing yourself as you truly are.

So when these things start showing up again, pat yourself on the back. You’ve leveled up! You’re now further up in the spiral of your own existence. There’s nothing for you to worry about. This spiraling process is simply your way of being thorough. You are learning what you came here to learn on every level possible as you travel up the spiral higher and higher. This is a process of patience and faith. Know that you planned this out perfectly for yourself, and that you always have the best intentions for yourself. You can trust YOU. The fact that you're this conscious about the process already is a testament to how well you're doing, how dedicated you are to knowing yourself as you truly are. Congratulations on your progress. I love you.

Monday, January 18, 2016

Mountain top views are lovely, but things grow in the valley

"It’s all love and light until shit gets real"

It’s a rather lighthearted if not slightly insulting way to put it, but this is the phrase I found myself crassly repeating many times while falling into the hells of depression.

In a spiritual community that obsesses over remaining positive, what happens when life gets hard? All I have to offer is my personal experience.

Let me start at the beginning:

My journey with this realization started with my wanting to experiment with the world of manifestation. I had always known about movies like The Secret and was aware that there were people out there who claimed to have literally manifested riches for themselves. I had been struggling pretty hard with money and wanted to find a solution. That’s when I decided to begin my ‘manifesting abundance’ experiment. I recognized that I didn’t know if it would work or it wouldn’t work, but I decided for the sake of the experiment that I was going to completely dedicate myself to the whole concept.

I found a goal to move towards. I decided I was going to manifest winning the lottery. I know, it’s cliche and right away makes you shake your head. But that was just the thing about it that I liked. It was impossible. If I was going to be fully in this experiment, I was going to try the impossible. The lottery winner was to be announced on a specific date which was about three months from the day I started the experiment.

I immediately contacted my best friend (who is basically my spiritual comrade), and informed her of my decision. I knew that even if she thought I was crazy, she was going to back me up 100% until I came to that conclusion for myself. As expected, she was on board. From that day forward we sent each other uplifting, encouraging and inspiring content at a constant rate every single day. According to my research on manifestation, the key was to remain in a positive mindset as much as humanly possible. So for the entire three months I dedicated my full attention to keeping myself in a positive uplifted head-space. The encouragement my best friend and I shared back and forth served to strengthen that head-space incredibly. I must say, that three months was genuinely the most intensely blissful time of my life. It’s quite an amazing experience devoting every waking moment to your personal happiness.

My happiness didn’t just stay within me though. It spread to everyone around me like wildfire. My mother, my best friend, my boyfriend… everyone who spent any time with me was filled with motivation and excitement. Only my best friend knew the purpose behind my happiness-obsession. I didn’t tell anyone about my experiment but her.

As the end date grew closer and closer I filled my room with happiness reminders, dream boards and mantras. I surrounded myself completely with only positivity. If a song or TV show came on that was even remotely negative, I left the room and listened to something positive. If someone started to discuss something negative with me, I would immediately attempt to spin it into whatever positive light was available. I sensed after a while that this could be a flaw in the whole “remain positive” teaching. I sensed that it wasn’t fair of me to ignore another person’s negative feelings for the sake of my own happiness. If they didn’t feel happy in that moment, it felt wrong to attempt to change how they felt. But at the same time, wouldn’t it be better for them if they were happy? Was that really up to me? I stuffed these questions down and ignored them for the sake of remaining positive. This act also didn’t sit right with me.

Fast forward finally to the end date. I’d gotten myself to the point of madness, stuffing doubt, confusion and fear of failure deep down, attempting to only let positivity into my immediate awareness. A part of me knew I’d already failed. A very small part of me which I was refusing to pay attention to. I was positive, only positive. I had no fear. I had no doubt. I flooded my senses with as much positive media as I could handle, waiting for the time of the announcement. When the announcement came, my heart sank. It sank deep into my chest and came to rest right in the place I’d stuffed all my fears and doubts for an entire three months.

I hadn’t won the lottery. Not that it was impossible for me to have won, but obviously as lotteries tend to go, the odds were not in my favor. I had begun this experiment with the mindset of “no harm, no foul”. I knew that it was just an experiment, and I knew that if it turned out that I manifested this impossible feat, I would be absolutely changed by that. But I also knew that if I didn’t manifest the impossible, it was okay and I’d lose nothing. It seemed worth it to at least try.

After the three months of forced bliss, I had to try to gently come to terms with the fact that I had negative emotions in me. I couldn’t just ignore that. I couldn’t just stuff them down and force happiness to override them. So many people were preaching that as a way of life, and maybe it did work for them, maybe they went about it differently in some way that actually worked... but it wasn’t working for me. A month or two following the end of my experiment, I received a call from my mother. My father had been diagnosed with cancer. It was bad. My heart broke. Any bit of happiness rhetoric left in me was shattered. The first thing I did was sit down and paint. I said nothing. I just painted. I was incapable of anything else in that moment.

The next day I woke up to a rainstorm and decided I was going to go for my morning run anyway. It seemed to me that it was the perfect time for running uninhibited through pouring down rain. It just felt like the most satisfying thing I could possibly do right then. On my way out the door I slipped and fell hard onto my back and just lay there unwilling to get back up. I wanted to be covered in mud. I wanted to lie in the mud in the fetal position, sobbing. And so that’s what I did. When I finally picked myself up I continued on my way to where I go running, drenched and muddy. It was just as satisfying to my heart as I’d imagined it would be. I cried for the entire run.

 Afterwards I went home and tore down my happiness reminders, my dream boards and my mantras. I halfheartedly created a new dream board and put it up in an attempt to not fully let go of all I’d learned about tapping into my bliss. It felt like a ridiculous thing to do, and I felt a lot more like taking it all outside and watching it slowly burn into nothing, but I knew I couldn’t just let myself fall completely into sadness. I needed something to hold onto.

A question that had been secretly gnawing at me ever since the start of my experiment started to surface: Was it right that we should choose happiness in every moment? Was that the answer to a happy life? It seemed to be a pretty logical way to go about it. Or was it better that we should acknowledge the feelings we have in each moment, and allow those feelings to happen authentically without attempting to turn them into our preferred feeling of happiness? These two options seemed to completely oppose each other, yet they both seemed like they could be valid and effective.

This conundrum baffled me for a while. I couldn’t seem to get an answer from anyone that satisfied me. It wasn’t until I found myself in the middle of deep, deep depression that I finally found the answer I was looking for. The answer wasn’t going to come to me through someone else’s lens of experience. It had to come from inside of me. I had to realize the answer for myself.

It was only in the pits of my own personal hell that I saw what I had failed to see before. My darkness was breathtakingly beautiful. It was just as beautiful as my light. It was certainly an altogether different flavor of beauty, but it was beautiful all the same. I found that in my darkness I felt deeply in touch with myself. I was able to walk straight into the depths of my soul and give myself comfort. The stark contrast of my recent experiment with bliss and this deep sadness that immediately followed was probably the most effective way I could have learned the lesson of balance. Balance of my dark and my light. I realized how important both aspects were. I may prefer the one, but that one would not be so satisfying were it not for the other.

People often see happiness as synonymous with being centered. Especially in the spiritual community there seems to be this commonly held belief that happiness and spirituality should go hand in hand. Happiness is wonderful and is obviously the preferred state of mind by most everyone, but I feel that it’s equally as important to allow the darkness in us to have its time. There's a time for everything. A time for happy and a time for sad; both equally as beautiful and important as the other. One just happens to be greatly misunderstood and thus disliked.

Think about the word ‘centered’. Something that is centered must be between two things, yes? To be centered is to exist in the space between your light and your dark. The space where both simultaneously exist. In this middle ground, we are able to tap into “the peace that surpasses all understanding”. A plant could not exist had it not first been a seed planted under the earth, enveloped by damp, cool darkness. A butterfly could not exist had it not first been a caterpillar who surrounded itself with the transformative darkness of the cocoon. You could not know yourself as happy had you not first known yourself as sad.

Life is about balance. It’s about the middle path. Being centered in the midst of chaos and being centered in the midst of bliss. Too much bliss can be just as detrimental as too much chaos. Allow yourself to experience the depths of both worlds, as you walk the path deeper and deeper that runs between them. 

If you'd like to read about my experience with depression and what I learned from it, check out my post "Depression in the Spiritual Awakening Process"

Sunday, January 17, 2016

A Deep Remembrance

A Deep Remembrance
A poem by your's truly

"You have known her depths 
You have heard her song 
You've drunk from the river of her soul and
You have rode the waves of her heart
Sitting under the blanket of her sky,
The vibrations of your form have soaked in her stillness 
Gently she comforts you
So deeply lost in this human form 
Reminding you of your home
Your own depths 
Your own song
Your rivers, trees and waves...
A deep remembrance, a flicker of knowing
You are the same
I am the same"

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Depression in the Spiritual Awakening Process

In the process of your spiritual awakening there are many stages you'll likely go through. One stage for many people happens to be depression. I believe this is a common stage due to the fact that awakening spiritually involves first seeing how everything around you is NOT in harmony, and subsequently realizing that this disharmony is within you as well. Eventually in the awakening process you will realize that the disharmony within and without was actually a matter of perception all along. That realization for me is what finally pointed me to the light at the end of the depression tunnel. 
I believe another reason for this depression stage is that you are in the process of healing and releasing years and even lifetimes of negative thought processes, traumatic events, and namely the belief that you are separated from the world around you. During my depression I could feel myself releasing these patterns of behavior, ways of thinking, and all of the debilitating belief systems I'd been holding onto for god knows how long. 

Early on in the depression I decided to keep a journal recording every horrible thought and feeling I felt surfacing. I wanted to be as raw and unfiltered as possible so that I could share the depths of my struggle with whoever could benefit from knowing they weren't alone in this type of experience. Despite the desire to appear to the world as a "put together" "happy" or "sane" individual, I wrote it all down. All the ugliness, all the's all there. 

**I would like to make it clear to all who read this that anything written here that appears to be dangerous or harmful to myself in anyway is absolutely not something to be worried about. The purpose for my recording any thoughts of that nature was to make sure that people know that it's okay to have dark thoughts and that they should not scare you when you have them. When you are in that dark of a place that those scary thoughts start to surface, know that they are just thoughts floating through your mind, and let them float on by. There's no need to harp on a particular scary thought or to let yourself be swept away by it. It's normal for your mind to go to very dark places when you are experiencing depression. Just let yourself experience the darkness and don't make rash or harmful decisions while in that state of mind. Know that it is only an experience and most importantly that IT WILL END. You will not be in that place forever.**

Confessions of a spiritually awakening woman, in the depths of the dark night of her soul:

<<The following journal entries are not dated, but they span individually over a period of a few months>>

"The whole concept of "choose happiness in every moment" feels like such a joke to me right now 
What the fuck is the point of any of this? Eating is fucking pointless, so is sleeping, so is fucking breathing. I hate all of this. I hate it. I belong nowhere. I have no one. All I have is me, and I'm completely incompetent. I am incapable of accomplishing even the simplest task. I am going nowhere. I'm afraid of people to the point that I've shut myself off completely from them. I relate to no one I am around on a deep enough level to intrigue me into any sort of meaningful relationship. The worst part of that is that the people I am surrounded by are good hearted beautiful people. I'm just too uncomfortable in my own skin to comfortably engage in meaningful conversation which could lead to an actual connection. I'm done with this whole mental situation I've dug myself into. I'm giving up. I'm shutting down. I am of no use to myself or anyone else. I have feared my way into an endless abyss of depression and bitterness." 

.:: ::.

"My brain is shutting down now. I'm giving up on giving a fuck about basically everything. I'm losing my sense of self and everything that I've conditioned myself to believe about myself. Fuck the me I've created, because she's honestly the most incompetent character I could have thought up. Fuck being a helpless fearful little girl incapable of accomplishing even the simplest of tasks. Fuck this world and how fucking difficult we've decided to make it for ourselves to live. Fuck eating healthy and especially fuck trying to afford to eat healthy. Fuck a public image and giving a shit that the world can now witness the complete unraveling of your mental functions. Fuck all of this. This is me giving up. I can't hold up this persona anymore. I can't hold up this self with its expectations of perfection anymore. I don't know who the fuck I am or where the fuck I'm going or what the fuck I believe. I don't know what the point is, but I'm aware there is a point, and that I'm hilariously unaware of what it could be. This is the end of "me". Tonight this character dies. I don't know what happens after that." 


"Sometimes I hate basically everything. Like everything in existence. Fuck all things. Especially days that aren't sunny. Fuck those days especially."


"I'm seriously so fucking depressed. The fact that I can't bring myself to exercise enough self control to get myself to a body type that makes me happy, the fact that when I have mustered up the self control it's never lasted long enough to see actual results, the fact that I would eat only healthy nutritious foods if only I could afford it at a consistent rate, the fact that I can't afford to thrive in this world and can only afford to survive at the bare minimum, the fact that I have no capacity for a "real job" or any job for that matter, the fact that I have zero ambition unless I'm "manic" and nowadays that only lasts a day or half a day and then it's back to this pit of depression, the fact that I'm almost positive that people only like me when I'm 'manic', the fact that life feels like a fucked up cruel joke and I'm just waiting for either a miracle or somebody to come along and say "gotchya, we were just messing with you. Here's your real life with everything you need provided to you of course so that you can develop yourself in peace". The fact that my family is so distant physically and emotionally. The fact that my dad will die and I know how already. The fact that I'm jealous of those rich kids that I can't stand because life seems to just come so easily to them. The fact that I fall asleep almost every night either crying or fantasizing about kicking punching and destroying everything around me. The fact that I have no one in my life except for my boyfriend and his family who I barely know or feel comfortable around yet. The fact that I feel guilty when I'm depressed because I don't want to bring my boyfriend down or cause him to think that he somehow is the cause for my depression, which is ridiculous because he's basically the only thing in my life right now that makes me smile. The fact that my best friend is so far away from me now and I can no longer meet up with her when I want to cry and when I feel like dying. The fact that I can now say that I've at least flirted with thoughts of suicide but not in a "I'm going to do it" way, more in a "I guess I understand where those people are coming from now" sort of way."

"I guess I get now why people do drugs. Fuck today. Fuck every fucking day. Of fucking course I'd become depressed to the point that I'm intolerable to be around. I feel like I want to die. I feel like I have no one. I hate this world. I hate the cold. I don't know what to do. I want to die. I don't want to live in this pointless shitty world that's impossible to thrive in. Fuck this. Fuck me. Why am I this way? I don't deserve happiness, why the fuck would I expect it? Fuck my dreams, fuck everything I once thought I could be. Fuck life. I fucking hate this life. I just want to be understood and loved and hugged and told everything will be alright. I have no one I can cry to, especially not the one person I should be able to cry to. Because all I do is cry and yell or huff and puff. There's no reason he should accept me. He sees me at my worst and I doubt he can handle it for long. I hate my life and I hate my self. Fuck it all. I have nothing left. I'm so unhappy. I'm incapable of making friends and anyone I know who could comfort me is a million miles away. I just want to be okay. I just want to be okay please it's all I fucking want I just want to feel okay."


"I can't remember the last time I was excited about eating what was in front of me. Cans of green beans and cans of peaches aren't fucking cutting it. Losing all this weight is a plus though. Sucks it's happening because I barely fucking eat."

"On and on is all we are. Just on and on, a constant storm of shit with little breaks of sunshine so you don't kill yourself."


"A comprehensive list of shit I'm pretty sure I am incapable of:
1. Successfully reaching a goal, no matter how big or small
2. Being "pretty" at all times no matter what
3. Being musical like ever
4. Being considered intelligent 
5. Being actually intelligent 
6. Laying on my death bed and knowing I didn't waste my life at all
7. Being successful in any way whatsoever"


"Starting to wonder if my entire life is just going to be spent clearing and releasing the pains and shit of the past lifetimes of a world I barely know and do not remember. I can't fathom the new earth I dream of even showing glimpses of itself in my lifetime. All I see is pain. All I feel is pain. All I know now is pain. I'm starting to doubt this will ever end. I feel that it's wishful thinking imagining I'm just on a lifeboat being carried away from the wreckage of our horrible past through new waters to a new ship for us to inhabit. I'm starting to lose faith in a new ship. I'm starting to lose faith. I'm unraveling into an endless abyss of darkness. I don't understand or know what to believe anymore. Anyone speaking with any positivity or voicing hope seems full of shit. No one can help me. I don't know how to help myself nor do I want to. I want nothing, except to feel joy again for more than a day. Fuck, I can barely get a whole day anymore. I'm lucky if I get a morning. I cry to the fucking illusive heavens for help every night and every day, and I no longer feel that there is any being but myself that exists and I am obviously incapable of helping or maybe I just really don't care enough anymore to help."


"My days are starting to be predictable fucked up routines now:
---wake up feeling awesome, it's going to be a great day! I'm finally feeling hope, I'm finally feeling like I can see clearly, and I feel in control of myself and my emotions 
---afternoon hits me like a ton of bricks. I suddenly lose my mind over the tiniest stupidest thing. At first I feel like okay, yeah I lost my mind for a second but I'm still in control, I'm still having a good day, don't worry I'm still able to snap out of this. And then I completely break. I'm shaking, sobbing, hyperventilating, humiliated, tongue tied, confused why I'm reacting this way, feeling helpless and hopeless and like I'm doing something horribly wrong. My lack of control infuriates me, I want to break things, I want to destroy everything around me, I bruise my hand all over again from the previous day slamming my first down anywhere I think won't break. I summon all of my strength to keep from grabbing a knife and slicing my skin just for the intense release of the act, just for the loud cry for help from the blood. I want help, I need help, but no human here can truly help me. I know that I'm lucky not to be sent away to a hospital for the way I feel. I hope to god nobody gets it in their head that that's what I need because it is certainly the opposite. Scared to death nobody will understand that I'm not crazy, that this is temporary, I know it's temporary I just don't know how long I will be in this tornado of the soul. 
---evening comes. Relief. Re-connection to my family, my Jason. Sweet understanding and comfort and unconditional love from him. So relieved, so grateful for him. Filled head to toe with gratitude and love. Refilled, refueled with hope, direction, knowing of purpose, knowing of my situation and it's purpose. Connection to the world, to my fellow lights in the darkness. Knowing I'm not alone. Never alone. Always one with the whole. Always taken care of. So grateful, so relieved. Connection to spirit. A hug from God. All is not lost."




I can now finally say that I'm out of the pit of depression, and I don't regret having gone through it. I'm thankful for the experience just like I'm thankful for any experience because it taught me what I needed to know. The darkness of depression is comparable to a seed that's been planted. The seed is under the earth for a time, in complete darkness. Soon it begins to break through the earth, which may be a little painful. But eventually it sprouts up out of the earth, stretches and finally greets the sunlight. 

I know depression is a scary thing, but it doesn't last forever and it happens to be a hell of a good teacher. So allow yourself to go through whatever ickiness you need to go through in order to blossom fully into yourSELF. Know that you are safe and loved always. You are stronger than any emotion that visits the door of your heart. Allow yourself to be a good host, welcoming the depression into your home and letting it be what it is. It will not stay forever. It is only a guest. You will be stronger and wiser when it leaves. 

I want to share with you a YouTube channel that helped me immensely during all of this. I can't even express my gratitude for this man who speaks in these videos. I am eternally grateful for him and his words that gently helped lead me out of the pits of my hell.

Here's the video that I think you should watch first:

I wish you all the best in your journeys! I love you so much.

The ladder of awakening

The path of awakening is like a ladder. You arrive at the first step, the first insight, and proceed to travel up the ladder as you encounter each sequential insight. It is useless to become hung up on one particular insight, thinking through it over and over in your mind and closing yourself off to other potentials just as it is useless to stand on one step of the ladder and just stay there. The idea is to climb the ladder, to keep the momentum going. The idea is to allow yourself to continually be amazed by the next level of depth in your journey, and to remain open to the endless wonders that are YOU. 

Changing the way you see your lady week

This article isn't just for the ladies!I seriously encourage men to read this too,because the more a man understands his lady,the safer and happier the lady feels

So if you’re anything like me, you’re one: a female, and two: you absolutely dread your period. And understandably so, right? It’s inconvenient, messy and painful, not to mention the ridiculous mood swings and suddenly taking every single thing anyone says personally. Not all of us have it this bad, but the majority of us seem to. As I’ve gotten older I’ve really started to learn the way my lady week works. First, a week before it even happens I suddenly start getting upset about the weirdest shit. My boyfriend, bewildered, becomes terrified to say anything to me because there’s a pretty good chance I’ll either get really offended, really angry, or it will make me cry.

After that week of hell runs its course, I start feeling anti-social and extremely self-conscious. I look exactly the same as I did a few weeks ago, but now when I look in the mirror I see a humungous bloated freak. I become ashamed of my appearance and hope to god nobody I know is at the store to see me shopping for anything chocolate related in my pre-period walk of shame. And then it finally happens. I’m bleeding! This means I’m not pregnant! And I don’t feel bitchy anymore! And suddenly I look in the mirror and I see this crazily sexy goddess capable of bringing life into the world and smiting anyone who needs smiting. It’s likely the next day I’ll be crying about spilling a glass of water, but hey right now I feel fanfuckingtastic. 

Each lady week is unique to the lady having it, but most of this is probably all too familiar to you. Well, I’ve become sick of the way I think about my period. I hate the idea of having a week of absolute hell every month for the bulk of my life. So recently I decided to start doing some research into the history and significance of this huge part of our lives, and what I found has very much changed my perception. Here are some of the most interesting things I found:

"Once a month the lining of a woman’s uterus sheds causing her to bleed or have her period.
Today, periods are often viewed in the Western world as an inconvenience but many years ago when a woman had her period she was celebrated.

Many rituals from Taoists to the Ancient Egyptians involved the consumption of menstrual blood mixed with red wine. This was believed to increase spiritual power.

In Ancient Greece, menstrual blood was used to help support crops grow and was buried into the earth during fertility festivals in the Spring.

Once upon a time, when a woman was having her period it was believed that she held the power of creation, wisdom and deep spirituality. During this time, women were encouraged to listen to their inner voice and her tribe would look to her for advice and guidance.

Women’s bleeding cycles are connect to the cycles of the moon and the tides. In fact, the word menstruation comes from the Greek word, menus which translates to moon, power and month. Women would often bleed together on the new moon and ovulate on the full moon.

Around 5,000 years ago when the idea of goddess worship shifted to a patriarchal society, women were labelled as unclean and were forced to separate themselves from men when they were bleeding.

Suddenly, the belief was adopted that when a woman was bleeding she was impure and was not fit to enter churches, prepare food or have sex.

Despite the emergence of these patriarchal view points, many women still experience deep, profound spiritual connections when bleeding however, majority of the Western world suppress their blood flow, blocking their creative intuition and refusing to honor this divine time.
It is said that a painful or uncomfortable period relates to rejecting femininity and that our attitudes to menstruation as a culture have caused women to feel shamed or embarrassed when on their periods."

“If you are searching to get more in tune with your bleeding cycle, here is a guide to help you get in touch with your divine feminine creativity:

Day 1 (the first day of bleeding):

The first day of bleeding marks the ‘death’ phase of the death-rebirth cycle. The old lining is shed away to make room for the new, healthy lining that will take its place. It is at this time that a woman should go within and clear out emotional and physical baggage that she may be carrying.

Day 2- 7 (Bleeding):

As the cycle continues, learning to embrace your divine femininity and creativity will grow. During the bleeding cycle it is best to stay within and undisturbed. If you can, retreat to a quite place, allow yourself time to mediate, write, create art and let go of old thoughts or belief systems that no longer serve you.

During this time you are vulnerable, so avoid harsh music, loud scenes and being around people who are not comforting.

Day 8-14 (Ovulation phase):

After the lining has been shed, and all that old energy of last month has been removed, the body starts preparing to release an egg. This is the peak of feminine creativity and is a time where women have increased sexual energy, increased intuition and will place her energy outwards into the world.

It is the perfect time to start new projects, give birth to new ideas or even create new life.

Studies have been shown that men are subconsciously more attracted to women when they are in this phase.

Day 15-21 (Harvest Phase):

This post-ovulatory phase is often a time where a woman will reflect on her achievements for the month just past. This stems from deep within our psyche when a woman would feel either relief or regret from not falling pregnant. This phase is often about change and confronting things in life that are no longer of benefit.

It is during this phase that a woman will discover what she needs to let go of.

Day 22-28 (Lining preparing to shed):

Once it has been determined what needs to be removed from her life, the lining prepares to shed. This phase is about preparing to clear all from your life what has not been serving your greatest good.

During this phase, a woman must surrender and make herself less emotionally available to others. This is the clarity phase, where a woman will realize what she needs to remove from her life and make the appropriate steps to begin the new cycle.

It is often not until a woman reaches menopause does she realize what she has missed. Learn how to celebrate your cycle again by being conscious of your femininity and appreciating that your period is really a time of deep healing and spiritual connection with yourself and with mother earth.

Forget the idea that your period is an inconvenience or a curse and tap into the reservoir of feminine power that lies within- nurture, shed your skin and create.” 
“Traditionally, the Moontime is the sacred time of woman when she is honored as a Mother of the Creative Force. During this time she is allowed to release the old energy her body has carried and prepare for reconnection to the Earth Mother’s fertility that she will carry in the next Moon or month. Our Ancestors understood the importance of allowing each woman to have her Sacred Space during this time of reconnection, because women were the carriers of abundance and fertility…

As Grandmother Moon is the weaver of tides ( the water or blood of our Earth Mother) so a woman’s cycles follow the rhythm of that weaving. When women live together in a common space, their bodies begin to regulate their menses and all will eventually have their Moontime concurrently. This natural rhythm is one of the bonds of Sisterhood…

Women honor their sacred path when they acknowledge the intuitive knowing inherent in their receptive nature. In trusting the cycles of their bodies and allowing the feelings to emerge within them, women have been Seers and Oracles for their tribes for centuries.”

[Jamie Sams from Sacred Path Cards: The Discovery of Self Through Native Teachings]
“Passing down wisdom or embarrassment?

Once upon a time, mothers, aunts, grandmas passed down knowledge and insight about this sacred cycle. They’d share what it means. They’d rejoice in how to unfold beautifully through it and acknowledge how to embrace our divinely given energies. Sadly it has become a taboo subject, even in our modern ‘open-minded’ world. When I was 14 years old, I felt as if I had blindly launched into my cycle and never talked about it with anyone, not even the girls at school. It was something to be hidden and embarrassed about and heaven forbid if you didn’t keep it under total control, no matter what physical activities (sports, swimming etc.) you had to participate in. In today’s world, women are not given the time and space to honour the cycle. If they take time off work, they are considered weak; if they take time to rest, they are often seen as lazy as the pile of stuff to do just grows bigger and bigger. The distress on the mind, body & spirit by not honouring the cycle generates a plethora of physical and hormonally related emotional issues that shouldn’t even exist.

I used to feel angry at being cast into a hush-hush women’s world that I didn't understand. There was nobody to ask either (even sister-google didn’t exist back then) because ‘you just didn’t talk about that sort of stuff’. When I shed cervical mucus for the first time (midway through the cycle), I thought there was something medically wrong with me. It wasn’t until I was in my early 20’s and I bought a book on the female cycle, that I realised it was normal! As I grew I felt the deep pain of the divine feminine throughout the whole planet. When we overwrite the natural flow, things start going wrong. Neglecting the sacred cycle has meant that women are plagued with menstrual disorders, pain, hormonal imbalances and severe mood swings that needn't exist at all. All because we've ignored the divine flow of the universe…

Letting go - letting flow:
 The shedding of menses is symbolic of shedding any accumulated negative energy during the previous weeks. It is an opportunity to let go of that which no longer serves. It is a time to reflect on what we are ready to release, what we are ready to receive and what lessons we have learnt. In honouring our moontime we often find balance and a re-centering of our state of being. If we miss this time of re-centering, then we may spend the rest of the month out of sync to the sacred rhythm, never quite catching up with ourselves. Thankfully we are offered the opportunity once each month (until we are not) - yet it is up to us as women to find our inner strength and love ourselves enough to honour this cyclical event.

Loving ourselves

If we don't normally think of ourselves first and foremost, then moontime is the time to do it. If we have children, if at all possible, get someone else to watch them for a day or two (I know that is usually easier said than done). If they go to school make the most of that time. If we can't find someone to watch them, make the most of the evening or the moments you can find (only do what you really have to do). Start right now and make the most of what you can.. commit to the moment. Love yourself. The rest will follow.

If you have a partner or close friends tell them how you feel about this sacred moontime and discuss with them how you might work together in helping to honour this.

Do whatever makes your heart sing: dance, play music, meditate, write poetry, tend your plants, read, take a bath, enjoy a gentle walk in the woodlands. If you have children, then take them out in to nature too. It may be that you simply wish to rest and do nothing... honour that! Being ‘super-women’ involves being vulnerable and loving yourself too. True strength comes from gentleness.”

That is just the main gist of all the information I found. I will include all the links I found useful in my research for you at the end of this post.

According to my research, there are many different ways to help re-balance yourself during your lady week. Here are some of the ways I found:

“Agnus Castus herb - to me, this feels like nirvana and as long as I remember to take it, the tincture works quickly. It is the first thing I reach for when it gets too much.

B vitamins - we use up a lot of B vitamins when we are stressed, so if we are prone to anxiety and stress during the pre-menstrual phase, then it’s really helpful to replace them by taking a good quality supplement.

Maca - this the root of a South American plant and comes in powdered form. It has all sorts of properties, although the thing that stands out for me is that it's an 'adaptogen', which means it helps the body adapt and find balance in stressful situations. A lovely friend of mine also said it worked for her (and she knew this, because after adding it to her smoothies daily, 'it was the first month she hadn't felt like killing someone!'... so I'd say that was success).

Exercise - gets endorphins flowing and helps to flush out the excessive hormones and unbalanced energies.

Meditation - even if it's just taking a breather every now and again, sitting quietly and focusing on big deep exhales and inhales... this can feel really cleansing and nurturing.

Loving ourselves - strangely this is often the hardest for women (including myself). Taking time to stop and doing something, like having a soak in the bath with essential oils, baking a deliciously healthy treat etc...

Kava Kava herb - this is an excellent anti-anxiety herb. It helps us find a space of calm and peace within when all else fails.

It's well worth looking into different options that help to naturally rebalance, although I would say that one of the most important things is to take time to replenish and rest.” []

I also found this tea at whole foods called Woman's Moon Cycle, and it is absolutely amazing. It has a lady doing a yoga pose printed on the side of the box that is supposed to help with cramps, and let me tell you, it really works! : 
This is what the pose looks like, and the instructions underneath it are: “Lie on back, bring knees to chest and hold them snugly, relax in this position, breathing long and deep for 1 to 3 minutes. Enjoy the feeling of comfort as your body returns to its natural state of balance.”

I really wish my mother had known these things and taught me this stuff when I was a little girl. When I first got my period, all I knew was that now I was a woman. Whatever that meant. And that my stomach was suddenly enduring some of the worst pain I’d ever felt. I can’t imagine how different my life would be if I’d known this stuff early on, and could come into my womanhood armed with the knowledge that I was sacred and powerful.

So, I hope these things have helped change the way you see your period, ladies. And speaking of the word period... why not change that to a prettier word? The terms we use for this beautiful, sacred time of the month have so many negative connotations attached to them. As you might have picked up on, I’ve started calling mine my “lady week”. Maybe you should think of a pretty name for yours that reminds you of how important and sacred this time is. Some girls I know like to call it their moon cycle. I’ve always liked that one. What will you call yours?

If you liked this post, you’ll love all these amazing websites I found about this: (this one was especially amazing to me)

I also made this short YouTube playlist that some of you may enjoy during your lady week:
Straight Up Lady Music
Here are one of the videos on the playlist just to give you a taste:
(click for sample)

***Remember: always appreciate your femininity. It is beautiful and sacred. gather your lady friends close and remind them of their feminine beauty that this world has forgotten. we are bringing back the sacred feminine one woman at a time. You are all my sisters and I love you so very much. also dudes who hopefully read this too. you're fucking awesome for wanting to understand your ladies better. you may never understand how much we truly appreciate your efforts. We love to be understood, CHERISHED and adored. ***

The steps you go through when separating from a soulmate

 separating from a soul mate can be one of the
scariest things you can go through

Sometimes in life we head down one road thinking it’s the only road we’ll ever be on. A lot of times we’re wrong about that. I am a big believer in the idea that we have many soul mates, and not even just romantic soul mates. I have friends that I consider soul mates because of the deep connection and history we share together. I've had a partner that I consider my soul mate, even though we had to part ways. I now have a new partner who I also consider a soul mate due to the immediate feeling of peace I felt upon meeting him. I’m writing this article because it would have brought me comfort to read someone else’s experience with this when I was going through it, and I’m hoping it will help whoever it needs to help.

So for me, separating from my soul mate was something that I knew needed to be done, but for a while I saw no way of doing it without completely devastating the life of the person I cared about so deeply. I wanted nothing to do with hurting him, but resisting the direction my life was pulling me in was hurting me so badly that after a while I just couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to separate peacefully, knowing that we still cared greatly for each other and that the separation was not a matter of hate or a lack of caring. I finally ended it, and thus started both our journeys into the unknown.

We had grown together for years and knew every little spec of each other’s existence. I was his feet on the ground and he was my head in the clouds. Taking that away from each other was terrifying, but felt like the right thing to do. The first few months were the hardest.

I spent the first month or two crying myself to sleep every single night, and crying on and off through most of my days. I buried myself in movies and television, unable to face the world or my friends except for little bits of time here and there. I would get calls from my ex-partner that would break my heart.I felt like a parent abandoning their child. It was like slowly ripping my soul in half. At night I would try and do energy work with my heart, attempting to mend all the pieces and disconnect any leftover strings that were still attached and hanging on for dear life. It was the worst feeling I've ever had to feel in my life. I knew I’d come out of it, but I had no sense of when that could be.
After those few months, the crying spells started to grow further and further apart. The sadness became mixed with anger and resentment. I resented every nasty thing we’d ever brought on each other. I resented every word he spoke to me that made me feel small and unloved. I became angry at the fact that I’d put up with all the things I did. I became angry at myself for all the things I put him through, for all the ways I’d held him back in his life. This led to fear about any future relationship. What if in my future partnership I held them back too? What if all the things he hated and resented about me came out in the future and any new partner would hate those things too? I tried to not let myself think these things, but I couldn't help it. I had been scarred and had shown myself completely to someone, only to realize that I wasn't something they liked. My self-confidence had been shattered at its deepest, most intimate levels.

I began to go into my own separate world away from my ex and all the friends we’d shared. I only saw a couple friends, and not very often. I threw myself into art and creating things, and on the weekends I would visit the man I am now in a partnership with. He provided immense comfort and rest for my soul, and one by one calmed my fears. 

After the months of mental torment settled down, I started to drift into a feeling of love and appreciation. Not just for my new life and my new freedom, but for my ex-partner. I felt overwhelming love and compassion, and the truest, deepest appreciation for another human being one could possibly feel. We had known each other on every level you could possibly know someone, and that was a beautiful experience. We had helped each other grow in ways that nobody else in our life at the time could have. And now here I was living free and happy, this new and improved person with stories to tell, and with new opportunities and brand new experiences falling into my lap. And the same thing was happening to him-he was just as free and happy as I was. It was the most satisfying feeling to know that the hardest decision you ever had to make led the person you loved to this blissful existence. 
 I have no regrets. I don’t regret the worst, most horrific fights. I don’t regret the truest, most magical moments. I am thankful for it all. I have come out the other side, and I can say with all my heart that I regret none of it. Those were all hard lessons to learn, and I couldn’t have picked a better person to learn them with. Now, it’s on to new lessons with a new partner who means the world to me. I can’t believe how blessed I am, and I’m so glad that I made the decision I made. It’s crazy to think that if I’d waited even a moment longer, I could have missed out on everything I have now.

 The universe is impeccable with its timing.

    That’s a very brief summary of my story with love and loss. I hope it helps someone out there understand that those first few months will pass. Even if it’s longer than that, it will pass. It always does, and you will come out the other end of it with a new and more fine-tuned understanding of yourself and your world. 
Good luck on your journey, my friend.