separating from a soul mate can be one of the
scariest things you can go through
So for me, separating from my soul mate was something that I knew needed to be done, but for a while I saw no way of doing it without completely devastating the life of the person I cared about so deeply. I wanted nothing to do with hurting him, but resisting the direction my life was pulling me in was hurting me so badly that after a while I just couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to separate peacefully, knowing that we still cared greatly for each other and that the separation was not a matter of hate or a lack of caring. I finally ended it, and thus started both our journeys into the unknown.
We had grown together for years and knew every little spec of each other’s existence. I was his feet on the ground and he was my head in the clouds. Taking that away from each other was terrifying, but felt like the right thing to do. The first few months were the hardest.
I spent the first month or two crying myself to sleep every single night, and crying on and off through most of my days. I buried myself in movies and television, unable to face the world or my friends except for little bits of time here and there. I would get calls from my ex-partner that would break my heart.I felt like a parent abandoning their child. It was like slowly ripping my soul in half. At night I would try and do energy work with my heart, attempting to mend all the pieces and disconnect any leftover strings that were still attached and hanging on for dear life. It was the worst feeling I've ever had to feel in my life. I knew I’d come out of it, but I had no sense of when that could be.
After those few months, the crying spells started to grow further and further apart. The sadness became mixed with anger and resentment. I resented every nasty thing we’d ever brought on each other. I resented every word he spoke to me that made me feel small and unloved. I became angry at the fact that I’d put up with all the things I did. I became angry at myself for all the things I put him through, for all the ways I’d held him back in his life. This led to fear about any future relationship. What if in my future partnership I held them back too? What if all the things he hated and resented about me came out in the future and any new partner would hate those things too? I tried to not let myself think these things, but I couldn't help it. I had been scarred and had shown myself completely to someone, only to realize that I wasn't something they liked. My self-confidence had been shattered at its deepest, most intimate levels.
I began to go into my own separate world away from my ex and all the friends we’d shared. I only saw a couple friends, and not very often. I threw myself into art and creating things, and on the weekends I would visit the man I am now in a partnership with. He provided immense comfort and rest for my soul, and one by one calmed my fears.
After the months of mental torment settled down, I started to drift into a feeling of love and appreciation. Not just for my new life and my new freedom, but for my ex-partner. I felt overwhelming love and compassion, and the truest, deepest appreciation for another human being one could possibly feel. We had known each other on every level you could possibly know someone, and that was a beautiful experience. We had helped each other grow in ways that nobody else in our life at the time could have. And now here I was living free and happy, this new and improved person with stories to tell, and with new opportunities and brand new experiences falling into my lap. And the same thing was happening to him-he was just as free and happy as I was. It was the most satisfying feeling to know that the hardest decision you ever had to make led the person you loved to this blissful existence.
I have no regrets. I don’t regret the worst, most horrific fights. I don’t regret the truest, most magical moments. I am thankful for it all. I have come out the other side, and I can say with all my heart that I regret none of it. Those were all hard lessons to learn, and I couldn’t have picked a better person to learn them with. Now, it’s on to new lessons with a new partner who means the world to me. I can’t believe how blessed I am, and I’m so glad that I made the decision I made. It’s crazy to think that if I’d waited even a moment longer, I could have missed out on everything I have now.
The universe is impeccable with its timing.
That’s a very brief summary of my story with love and loss. I hope it helps someone out there understand that those first few months will pass. Even if it’s longer than that, it will pass. It always does, and you will come out the other end of it with a new and more fine-tuned understanding of yourself and your world.
Good luck on your journey, my friend.