In the process of your spiritual awakening there are many stages you'll likely go through. One stage for many people happens to be depression. I believe this is a common stage due to the fact that awakening spiritually involves first seeing how everything around you is NOT in harmony, and subsequently realizing that this disharmony is within you as well. Eventually in the awakening process you will realize that the disharmony within and without was actually a matter of perception all along. That realization for me is what finally pointed me to the light at the end of the depression tunnel.
I believe another reason for this depression stage is that you are in the process of healing and releasing years and even lifetimes of negative thought processes, traumatic events, and namely the belief that you are separated from the world around you. During my depression I could feel myself releasing these patterns of behavior, ways of thinking, and all of the debilitating belief systems I'd been holding onto for god knows how long.
Early on in the depression I decided to keep a journal recording every horrible thought and feeling I felt surfacing. I wanted to be as raw and unfiltered as possible so that I could share the depths of my struggle with whoever could benefit from knowing they weren't alone in this type of experience. Despite the desire to appear to the world as a "put together" "happy" or "sane" individual, I wrote it all down. All the ugliness, all the desperation..it's all there.
**I would like to make it clear to all who read this that anything written here that appears to be dangerous or harmful to myself in anyway is absolutely not something to be worried about. The purpose for my recording any thoughts of that nature was to make sure that people know that it's okay to have dark thoughts and that they should not scare you when you have them. When you are in that dark of a place that those scary thoughts start to surface, know that they are just thoughts floating through your mind, and let them float on by. There's no need to harp on a particular scary thought or to let yourself be swept away by it. It's normal for your mind to go to very dark places when you are experiencing depression. Just let yourself experience the darkness and don't make rash or harmful decisions while in that state of mind. Know that it is only an experience and most importantly that IT WILL END. You will not be in that place forever.**
Confessions of a spiritually awakening woman, in the depths of the dark night of her soul:
<<The following journal entries are not dated, but they span individually over a period of a few months>>
"The whole concept of "choose happiness in every moment" feels like such a joke to me right now
What the fuck is the point of any of this? Eating is fucking pointless, so is sleeping, so is fucking breathing. I hate all of this. I hate it. I belong nowhere. I have no one. All I have is me, and I'm completely incompetent. I am incapable of accomplishing even the simplest task. I am going nowhere. I'm afraid of people to the point that I've shut myself off completely from them. I relate to no one I am around on a deep enough level to intrigue me into any sort of meaningful relationship. The worst part of that is that the people I am surrounded by are good hearted beautiful people. I'm just too uncomfortable in my own skin to comfortably engage in meaningful conversation which could lead to an actual connection. I'm done with this whole mental situation I've dug myself into. I'm giving up. I'm shutting down. I am of no use to myself or anyone else. I have feared my way into an endless abyss of depression and bitterness."
"My brain is shutting down now. I'm giving up on giving a fuck about basically everything. I'm losing my sense of self and everything that I've conditioned myself to believe about myself. Fuck the me I've created, because she's honestly the most incompetent character I could have thought up. Fuck being a helpless fearful little girl incapable of accomplishing even the simplest of tasks. Fuck this world and how fucking difficult we've decided to make it for ourselves to live. Fuck eating healthy and especially fuck trying to afford to eat healthy. Fuck a public image and giving a shit that the world can now witness the complete unraveling of your mental functions. Fuck all of this. This is me giving up. I can't hold up this persona anymore. I can't hold up this self with its expectations of perfection anymore. I don't know who the fuck I am or where the fuck I'm going or what the fuck I believe. I don't know what the point is, but I'm aware there is a point, and that I'm hilariously unaware of what it could be. This is the end of "me". Tonight this character dies. I don't know what happens after that."
"Sometimes I hate basically everything. Like everything in existence. Fuck all things. Especially days that aren't sunny. Fuck those days especially."
"I'm seriously so fucking depressed. The fact that I can't bring myself to exercise enough self control to get myself to a body type that makes me happy, the fact that when I have mustered up the self control it's never lasted long enough to see actual results, the fact that I would eat only healthy nutritious foods if only I could afford it at a consistent rate, the fact that I can't afford to thrive in this world and can only afford to survive at the bare minimum, the fact that I have no capacity for a "real job" or any job for that matter, the fact that I have zero ambition unless I'm "manic" and nowadays that only lasts a day or half a day and then it's back to this pit of depression, the fact that I'm almost positive that people only like me when I'm 'manic', the fact that life feels like a fucked up cruel joke and I'm just waiting for either a miracle or somebody to come along and say "gotchya, we were just messing with you. Here's your real life with everything you need provided to you of course so that you can develop yourself in peace". The fact that my family is so distant physically and emotionally. The fact that my dad will die and I know how already. The fact that I'm jealous of those rich kids that I can't stand because life seems to just come so easily to them. The fact that I fall asleep almost every night either crying or fantasizing about kicking punching and destroying everything around me. The fact that I have no one in my life except for my boyfriend and his family who I barely know or feel comfortable around yet. The fact that I feel guilty when I'm depressed because I don't want to bring my boyfriend down or cause him to think that he somehow is the cause for my depression, which is ridiculous because he's basically the only thing in my life right now that makes me smile. The fact that my best friend is so far away from me now and I can no longer meet up with her when I want to cry and when I feel like dying. The fact that I can now say that I've at least flirted with thoughts of suicide but not in a "I'm going to do it" way, more in a "I guess I understand where those people are coming from now" sort of way."
"I guess I get now why people do drugs. Fuck today. Fuck every fucking day. Of fucking course I'd become depressed to the point that I'm intolerable to be around. I feel like I want to die. I feel like I have no one. I hate this world. I hate the cold. I don't know what to do. I want to die. I don't want to live in this pointless shitty world that's impossible to thrive in. Fuck this. Fuck me. Why am I this way? I don't deserve happiness, why the fuck would I expect it? Fuck my dreams, fuck everything I once thought I could be. Fuck life. I fucking hate this life. I just want to be understood and loved and hugged and told everything will be alright. I have no one I can cry to, especially not the one person I should be able to cry to. Because all I do is cry and yell or huff and puff. There's no reason he should accept me. He sees me at my worst and I doubt he can handle it for long. I hate my life and I hate my self. Fuck it all. I have nothing left. I'm so unhappy. I'm incapable of making friends and anyone I know who could comfort me is a million miles away. I just want to be okay. I just want to be okay please it's all I fucking want I just want to feel okay."
"I can't remember the last time I was excited about eating what was in front of me. Cans of green beans and cans of peaches aren't fucking cutting it. Losing all this weight is a plus though. Sucks it's happening because I barely fucking eat."
"On and on is all we are. Just on and on, a constant storm of shit with little breaks of sunshine so you don't kill yourself."
"A comprehensive list of shit I'm pretty sure I am incapable of:
1. Successfully reaching a goal, no matter how big or small
2. Being "pretty" at all times no matter what
3. Being musical like ever
4. Being considered intelligent
5. Being actually intelligent
6. Laying on my death bed and knowing I didn't waste my life at all
7. Being successful in any way whatsoever"
"Starting to wonder if my entire life is just going to be spent clearing and releasing the pains and shit of the past lifetimes of a world I barely know and do not remember. I can't fathom the new earth I dream of even showing glimpses of itself in my lifetime. All I see is pain. All I feel is pain. All I know now is pain. I'm starting to doubt this will ever end. I feel that it's wishful thinking imagining I'm just on a lifeboat being carried away from the wreckage of our horrible past through new waters to a new ship for us to inhabit. I'm starting to lose faith in a new ship. I'm starting to lose faith. I'm unraveling into an endless abyss of darkness. I don't understand or know what to believe anymore. Anyone speaking with any positivity or voicing hope seems full of shit. No one can help me. I don't know how to help myself nor do I want to. I want nothing, except to feel joy again for more than a day. Fuck, I can barely get a whole day anymore. I'm lucky if I get a morning. I cry to the fucking illusive heavens for help every night and every day, and I no longer feel that there is any being but myself that exists and I am obviously incapable of helping or maybe I just really don't care enough anymore to help."
"My days are starting to be predictable fucked up routines now:
---wake up feeling awesome, it's going to be a great day! I'm finally feeling hope, I'm finally feeling like I can see clearly, and I feel in control of myself and my emotions
---afternoon hits me like a ton of bricks. I suddenly lose my mind over the tiniest stupidest thing. At first I feel like okay, yeah I lost my mind for a second but I'm still in control, I'm still having a good day, don't worry I'm still able to snap out of this. And then I completely break. I'm shaking, sobbing, hyperventilating, humiliated, tongue tied, confused why I'm reacting this way, feeling helpless and hopeless and like I'm doing something horribly wrong. My lack of control infuriates me, I want to break things, I want to destroy everything around me, I bruise my hand all over again from the previous day slamming my first down anywhere I think won't break. I summon all of my strength to keep from grabbing a knife and slicing my skin just for the intense release of the act, just for the loud cry for help from the blood. I want help, I need help, but no human here can truly help me. I know that I'm lucky not to be sent away to a hospital for the way I feel. I hope to god nobody gets it in their head that that's what I need because it is certainly the opposite. Scared to death nobody will understand that I'm not crazy, that this is temporary, I know it's temporary I just don't know how long I will be in this tornado of the soul.
---evening comes. Relief. Re-connection to my family, my Jason. Sweet understanding and comfort and unconditional love from him. So relieved, so grateful for him. Filled head to toe with gratitude and love. Refilled, refueled with hope, direction, knowing of purpose, knowing of my situation and it's purpose. Connection to the world, to my fellow lights in the darkness. Knowing I'm not alone. Never alone. Always one with the whole. Always taken care of. So grateful, so relieved. Connection to spirit. A hug from God. All is not lost."
I can now finally say that I'm out of the pit of depression, and I don't regret having gone through it. I'm thankful for the experience just like I'm thankful for any experience because it taught me what I needed to know. The darkness of depression is comparable to a seed that's been planted. The seed is under the earth for a time, in complete darkness. Soon it begins to break through the earth, which may be a little painful. But eventually it sprouts up out of the earth, stretches and finally greets the sunlight.
I know depression is a scary thing, but it doesn't last forever and it happens to be a hell of a good teacher. So allow yourself to go through whatever ickiness you need to go through in order to blossom fully into yourSELF. Know that you are safe and loved always. You are stronger than any emotion that visits the door of your heart. Allow yourself to be a good host, welcoming the depression into your home and letting it be what it is. It will not stay forever. It is only a guest. You will be stronger and wiser when it leaves.
I want to share with you a YouTube channel that helped me immensely during all of this. I can't even express my gratitude for this man who speaks in these videos. I am eternally grateful for him and his words that gently helped lead me out of the pits of my hell.
Here's the video that I think you should watch first:
I wish you all the best in your journeys! I love you so much.